I am broken
12 years ago I left one devastating relationship with a man who was unfaithful... I took my baby & left. Met another man. He promised the world. We got married 7 months later. I have been faithful, prayerful, loving, hopeful and true. He has been hateful, unfaithful, an alcoholic and hurtful. I love this man with all my heart and soul. I have 3 children now. I want them to have an intact family. But I also want to be loved. I know he doesn't love me.
I take care of myself and my home and my kids. I don't drink or smoke or party. I am dedicated and devoted to this marriage, but even after he hurts and disrespects me, I am the only one who seems to want to mend the relationship, while he goes on like everything is normal. I am tired of sleeping alone. I am tired of being rejected. I have been in agony for the past 18 years of my life with 2 hurtful, disrespectful men. I want to suck the love for my husband out of my heart with a vacuum. I want to STOP hoping for a hopeless marriage. I want to wake up and smell the damn coffee. Have no money, no job, no education. I have no one to reach out to.
He was abused sexually as a child. He is disconnected and for that reason I held out hope. But in spite of his childhood traumas, he is a grown man who knows right from wrong, and he consistently chooses wrong. I have written, prayed, cried, begged, pleaded. I have sobbed years worth of tears, and suffered countless amounts of agony. I was once infected with an STD. I was told once by another woman that he said he never loved me. He was good for YEARS and recently cheated with a transvestite prostitute. He seems to have had a thing for them lately. He admitted the truth. Said he was sick. Said it was the first and last time, and that he had to go through with it to see if that's what he wanted in his life. He said it made him realize he didn't want that, but me. He said he was afraid it was the abuse he suffered as a child that planted that seed in him.
I was hurt and scared. But I promised to love him through it. I promised to try. I have. He is still not acting like a man who loves me and wants to mend this marriage or my heart. I don't want to throw any more of my life away. I don't want to hope for a hopeless love. I also don't want my 3 children to grow up in a broken home. I need help. I am broken.
Maria, I am so sorry to hear what you had to go through, and are still going through. You certainly have run through some of the roughest times that anyone can go through in their relationships, and I understand if you feel like there seems no end to it.
With a childhood abuse in the past, there are clearly some psychological issues involved here with your husband. It's possible your husband wants to get past those childhood traumas, but is unable to do so himself. In which case, it is imperative that he seek help - for himself, first, and his family as well. But, one can only be helped if one wants to be helped. You said that he admitted the truth about his affair, and admitted the fact that he may be sick. Did you broach the idea of psychological counseling with him? Is he averse to the idea, or does he consider that as a possibility?
If your husband does not want to be helped, then unfortunately, you have little choice. You may need to step back a little, and consider living separately from him, for a while. You said you love him, but you also said he still doesn't act like the man who loves you, and that you don't want to hope for a hopeless love. Staying separately for a while may help you figure out the true feelings you currently have towards him. It may also give your husband a chance to figure out where your place is in his life, and if he does in fact love you, but unable to express it. If you find that you both do want to get back together, you can then re-suggest to your husband that he seek professional help for resolving his childhood issues, and see if he accepts it this time.
I hope these suggestions provide some perspective to you. You can also seek suggestions of the professional marriage counselors that we have listed on our site. I wish you courage and strength to fight through these difficult times, and pray that you hold on to your hope for all the good things that will come your way, one day soon. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts here. -Shan
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