Where does confidence come from?

Where does confidence come from?

I am a 40 something female who has never been self confident in any area, but to ask anyone you would hear the opposite. I have always struggled with my weight and my sexuality. Oh boy, so I think I can deal with my weight finally, I no longer have to or feel the need to compete with 20 somethings. I found a man although he is not available emotionally, and literally he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He said I need more self confidence, no more pity parties. It's hard. When the lights are out I cry and wish for all the things that are so attainable, but I just can't push myself to get them. I feel like this is my last stance. I was just demoted due to my inability to hold it together from about 6 months. I secretly am glad not to have the responsibilities of a manager anymore. I have a borrowing problem, I'm in the process of paying back all I owe. You can come back from the dead, it takes time. But when a man or especially the man tells you you need more swagger, it hurts. Where does it come from? You or I must fake it until I really feel it. How do I start? I feel frumpy, I dress frumpy, I don't feel like I deserve a vacation, I don't take one. How do I just get the courage to jump? Once I do I won't drown. No one does. I watched enough lifetime movies to know, you just have to try. I just don't know how. Any suggestions. I will try anything.

Editor's response:

Hello.. Thank you for posting here. Your post, though asking for help, has so many snippets of wisdom that I know you have it in you to move ahead and take the first step forward. In fact, you already did.. as you admit you have a borrowing problem, and you are already in the process of paying it back. That's a good first step!

Now, I understand it could hurt if someone important in your life tells you need more confidence. But, regardless of whether he is right or not, you are right when you say "no more pity parties".. because "pity parties" aren't going to help.. that's for sure. And you are also absolutely right when you said that you can come back from the dead, and that it takes time. To tell you the truth, though, and you know this already, it's not going to come from anywhere outside, but from within yourself.

So, where do you start? First, by quitting self-criticism. Even in your thoughts. Always think and speak good about yourself. The moment you hear yourself thinking negatively about yourself, just put a stop to it.

Next, do whatever it takes that makes you feel good about yourself. Dress better, not to impress others, but because you deserve to be in the best cloths that you have or can afford. Work on your weight, not because you want to compete with 20 somethings, but because you want to look good yourself.. because you deserve to look your best. Take that vacation, again, because you deserve it. Do it all, but for the right reason, because you deserve it all. I can tell you that you deserve every good thing out there that life offers, just as much as the next person. You just have to find a way to reach out and reach for them. And realizing that you deserve it all is where it all begins.

Lastly, try to get involved in a few activities that can help you with how you think about yourself. This will not only reduce your emotional dependence on others for your happiness, but also makes you more self reliant.

Go ahead and take that jump. Keep doing what you fear, in spite of your fear. There is no other way out. In fact, when you do that, the only way is out. Because, you won't drown, and I know it. And more importantly, you know it. Good luck. - Shan

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