My Anger

by Amariah Nicole Cole
(Los Angeles, CA)

I'm only 14 and yes I know, I'm young, but my anger and attitude and stress levels are beyond my age. Around age 9, my attitude worsened. I had gone threw Hurricane Katrina, lost my house, my clothes. Everything I cared for. From there on, my attitude and anger worsened.

From 9 till now, I've lashed out, cursed people out, gotten into unnecessary fights with family, friends and my parents. Punched holes in the walls. I acted out, and all this added to my stress. I started to smoke and drink (I quit smoking though). I had 5 deaths in my family in four years, 3 of which I was very close to. Relationships I had with people fell apart. I kept losing people I loved. My grades were falling, and I was gaining weight. My stress led to me cutting myself several times and almost committing suicide, but I'm still here.

I'm 14 now, and I'm not suicidal anymore, I don't cut myself anymore, I don't smoke.. I still drink, even though I know it's a bad habit. My attitude towards everyone I love is still horrible, but I can't control it. I feel like everyone, except the one I love, brings out the worst in me, and I just go off automatically. I feel bad afterwards, but most the time it's too late, the damage is done and some stuff I can't take back. I used to cry myself to sleep at night, sometimes I still do. I still cry frequently.

I've been trying to become a happy-go-lucky person, without anger and frustration and without so much stress, but it seems like everywhere I turn, something adds on to it. My sister has even told me she feels like 50% of the time, I'm just a bitch and I need to go to therapy. I feel like she's right, I am mad or frustrated or stressed or angry all the time, it's something I can't help. I'm trying to change, but it's hard. My attitude has only worsened and I feel as though as I get older, it will keep getting worse, and I will die alone.. I'm scared. I just wanna be happy and stress-free like all my other friends, and not a bitch all the time.

If there are any 7-15 year-olds reading this, don't make the same mistakes I did, okay. I may have been able to change my attitude back then when it wasn't so bad, but now I feel like I can't. Don't ever let your attitude get the best of you, it can ruin your life and make you a very unhappy person.