Seriously, I'm lost
I teach in my own unique way
I had a good job with good salary... Erm, maybe I should rephrase that since I never really care about it... I'm a teacher who really likes teaching. I like children a lot and I want them to learn many things.
The problem is I'm a weird person, the way I'm thinking, that is. I can't stand teaching the ordinary way, I will grow bored and irritated myself. That is why, my technique is slightly different than others, slightly creative perhaps, and my pupils enjoy it a lot. Yet, every time I enter their classroom, they get over excited, and things get extremely uncontrollable, with noise and everything. I know, they like me so much, and they get easily comfortable with me, too comfortable perhaps, to the point of not respecting me, and not doing my homework. Sometimes, they don't take seriously what I'm teaching. The fact that I'm small, and with always-looked-so-young appearance makes it even worse.
I don't know, if this is a self-esteem problem, but, I guess it is, because I began to question myself and my ability in teaching. Maybe, I'm not a good teacher. Maybe I can't handle children well. Maybe, something is lacking in me that they will never respect me. Maybe there's something wrong in my instruction. But, no matter how hard I try to fix things, to improve things, for two years, even with different pupils, it is still the same. In time, I began to realize that, I am no longer enjoying my work. Maybe, I'm not cut out for this job at all.
I started to think of changing my career. Why keep doing something that you do not love, something that keeps breaking your heart. Truly, I'm not afraid to give up my job (though the car loan still bothers me, haha), but I just don't know how to start.. until I find my way out, seriously I'm lost!
I don't have a boyfriend to share my grief (I'm too workaholic to find one) so, here I am. Please, what should I do?
Hi Ame, Thank you for posting here. To me, yours doesn't sound as much a self esteem problem as it does about finding a way to discipline your students, at the same time keeping it interesting for them and for yourself.
You obviously are a creative person, with a unique ability to teach, which your students clearly enjoy, as do you. I wouldn't qualify you as "weird person", as pretty much everyone is "weird" in their own way :) The only indicator to whether your teaching methodology is working is if your students are actually learning what you are teaching them. If you feel they are, then obviously it is working.. the only issue seems to be about finding a way to keeping it manageable, without actually diluting the essence of what you teach your students, or changing the unique relationship dynamic you share with them.
It's not at all unusual that kids (you haven't said what age group they typically belong to) sometimes tend to get too comfortable with their teacher. You did say you tried hard to fix things.. have you considered hiring (or working with) a second teacher who sits in the classroom with you, whose job is to primarily preserve the order of the classroom? Sort of like a "resource teacher" who doesn't interfere with your teaching, but in this case calls out students who step out of line? You could let that second teacher play the "bad cop", while you continue to teach in your own way. I don't know if such an approach is practicable to your situation, or for your teaching curriculum.
But either way, whether this works or not, the ability to manage a bunch of kids can hardly be considered a barometer for self esteem. Even one or two kids can give anyone a hard enough time sometimes, and managing more of them is not necessarily easier.
If you no longer like what you do and are seriously considering alternative career options, then have you considered online tutoring? Or maybe you can coach teachers and help them understand or acquire your unique teaching skills? (you know, teachers can be a lot more easier to manage than kids :) )
You can even consider creating a website where you can share your teaching skills, and earn money from it.
Hope this provides a perspective, and Good luck with the choice you make. -Shan
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